Less Than

March 26, 2015

I've been reading this book over the last week or so.  It has given me a lot to think about.  Not really for myself, but given me a lot of ideas for blog posts.  I'm sure you will be seeing them in the days and weeks to come.

But today the idea of being "less than" has really grabbed at my heart and mind.  Probably because it is something I experience on a near daily basis and have my entire life.


Have you ever felt like you just didn't belong?  Maybe it was on the playground as a small child.  You didn't see yourself as a pretty little girl and because you were a girl, you weren't allowed to play with the boys.  Or maybe you were not all that great at sports or games, so you didn't fit in with that group.  How about in middle school when popularity became the really important thing?  Then there's high school, where more drama ensues in one day than you can find in a years worth of Dr. Phil episodes?  I think everyone at one point in time in their lives have felt, on some kind of level, that they just didn't belong.

But have you ever felt, or been made to feel, "less than"?  Maybe you feel incapable of making good grades because you have been told nearly everyday of your life that you are "stupid"?  How about being singled out because you were a young boy, who had zero athletic ability but could play the keyboard and sing like an angel?  Our society has stereotypes about how young boys should be - how they should act and what toys they should play with.  How about being a woman - a woman in the business world?  A woman in the building trades, automotive repair shop, or engineering division?  Or even, God forbid, a woman in the Church wanting to do more than sit on the pew each week?

I know I'm on a soapbox, but I have to throw these out as well (and pardon me as I focus on Christians and the Church a little more).  How about these "less than's?"  The man that has been divorced twice and is refused a "leadership" role on the volunteer team?  The 14 year old girl, pregnant and on her own because her "christian" parents are more concerned about their perfect christian image than about their daughter's and grandchild's life?  The drug addict struggling to come to terms with his abandonment as a baby and growing up on the streets and bounced around from one foster house to another?  The lesbian college student, labelled as an abomination by her church, her family and her "christian" friends, disowned, abandoned, and laying in the hospital after an attempted suicide with no one by her side, praying for God to change her or take her life?

These are more of the "extreme" cases, but every single one of them, is a human story, a human life, a person with unlimited potential that has been labeled "less than" by a society and by a group of people who are commanded to love without judgment and without limits.

Nearly my entire life I have felt "less than."  Not only have I felt that deep in my very core, but I have experienced it first hand.  I was never the typical, little girl.  I liked sports, and playing in the creek, and out in the fields with the calves with my dogs.  I hated dolls and dresses and frilly lace.  I knew I was "different" because I didn't like all the "real girl" things.  Then in middle school and high school, I was more interested in sports, keeping my grades up, and hanging with my friends than in boys.  It's not that I didn't like boys, I just didn't like all the attention and I didn't have any desire to be like all the "boy crazy" girls around me.  So again, I was "less than" a girl.

I met Jesus as a Senior in high school and felt that I finally had a place to truly belong and I would no longer be seen as "less than".  What I found, after a time, was that, the Church was not really a place for "less than's" to belong, it was just another place for the "greater than's" to tout their superiority.  But I was safe, wasn't I?  I was a part of the Church.  I began to take on the persona of a "greater than" trying to fit in, trying to be a "greater than" but it never felt right.  This was not the Jesus I read about, the Jesus that saved me from myself.  Everything I was being subtly taught went against everything my heart told me.  And it wasn't too many years later that I was once again being labelled a "less than" again (all while I served the Church in full-time Student ministry).

I say all of this, share a small portion of my story, to highlight that of all places on this earth, the Church should never be a place that condones or perpetuates the idea of "less than."  But the Church has been exactly that:

Sixty years ago the Black community were the "less than's," that had no place in the Church.  They could go to "their own" churches, "they" didn't belong in ours.  In the 60's and 70's (and its still prevalent in certain churches and denominations today) that divorcees are not allowed any type of leadership in the local church because they were "less than" what the Church said they should be.  Women (even though no one would ever admit to this one and try to play down this "less than") are not allowed to lead, teach, or be in certain positions or roles within the Church for no other reason than they are women - they are "less than" men.  In the 21st Century the "BIG" issue of the Church is the LGBT community.  In my opinion (and the opinion of many, many others), there is no greater group of "less than's" than this misunderstood, misrepresented, and marginalized group of people (yes, people, flesh and blood, human beings with emotions and dreams and gifts and abilities and a need to be loved and loved in return - they are NOT an abomination).

Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment of the Scriptures was (and remember this was the Old Testament - as we know it).  He answered:  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.  And the second is equal to it:  love your neighbor as yourself.  (Mark 12:30-31)  Not once, did Jesus ever say that because you are His follower are you to think of yourself as "greater than."  Jesus commanded us to be servants, to think and to serve others as if they were "greater than" ourselves.  Why is the Church - the people of Jesus - living and treating others as if they are "less than" themselves just because they have been "saved"?

Why did my cousin drink himself to death (committed suicide by alcohol poisoning, and drowning in his own vomit) because he was gay and my uncle disowned him and forced my Aunt to ignore her own son all in the name of being Christian?  Why are LGBT teens 40-60% more likely to attempt/commit suicide than the rest of the adolescent community?

Our job as followers of Jesus is to love - PERIOD.  Nothing more and nothing less.  That does not mean "speaking the truth in love", or loving the sinner and hating the sin (sorry that is found no where in the Bible...that entire phrase drips of nothing but "less than" connotations), we are not to judge in any way, shape or form (there is only one Judge and His name is Jesus), we are to love our enemies, we are to love without limits or expectations.  It is not our beliefs, views, or opinions that others must live up to (again "less than" language).  It is Jesus view of us.  And all He sees is His most beloved Creation.

I could go on and on and on about this subject and my thoughts.  But I'll spare you.  I hope however, you have gotten the point I am trying to make.

Just know, that I will choose love, I will choose grace above all.  I will, to the best of my ability, never look at someone as "less than". 

Truth is about law, rules, condemnation.  Grace is love, freedom, being "greater than".  I will always fall on the side of Grace.  I will always see that you are "greater than" all you can possible hope or imagine you can be.  I want to love as Jesus loved.  No more.  No "less".

A New Beginning...but it comes with a disclaimer.

March 26, 2015

This is the first post I have made to this blog in more than 5 yrs.  I quit a long time ago because I got to a point in my life (after a horrendously hard couple of years and finally leaving the realm of professional student ministry) that I didn't believe my words mattered to anyone anymore.  I had lost my faith.  Not my faith in Jesus.  Jesus and I were never really at odds.  I had lost my faith in The Church and particularly in Christians.  And truthfully, I still struggle with Christians.

But that is not what this post or this blog is particularly about.  However, I will be challenging the beliefs and thoughts of many I'm sure.  I will be challenging readers thoughts not only of their own faith and beliefs but most likely what readers think I believe.  But what I believe personally is not up for discussion or debate.  I'm here to challenge you, the reader, in what you think you believe and what you think about your faith.

If you are a person easily offended by contrary, contrasting, and controversial thoughts about the Christian faith and/or The Church, I ask you to think, think hard, take time and digest what you might read here...and especially before you speak or try to defend God or what you think you believe.  If you feel as if you need to comment, do it with the utmost respect and decorum.

One last thing before I go and begin this renewed journey.  I leave you with this thought:


If you feel as if you need to defend God or even what you believe about God, then you are worshiping the wrong God.

Coloring Outside the Lines

Well, Mike did it to me again.

Have you ever received a coloring page from a small child? If not, I'm sure you have seen one at some point in your life. I know I have. So what do they look like? They are just a bunch of scribbles of 2 or 3 colors run all over the ouline of some cartoon. There is no trying to stay inside those dark black lines. No choosing of what color would look the best for this area or that. Nope, just a bunch of scribbled lines all over the page. This youngin' didn't know any better. He/She was too naive to know what they were "supposed" to do with those crayons and that sheet of paper.

Mike writes: "Most of my life I heard the message loud and clear that Christianity was all about coloring within the lines and coloring well. If I was a good Christian, if I loved Jesus and wanted to please him, if I read my bible, prayed and went to church, then I would get better and better at coloring. And if I lived a long and godly life, I would evenually be able to draw close to the perfect drawing. Wherever that mesage came from, it was a lie."

I agree with Mike. I'm 38 yrs old and my drawing still looks like that of a small child.

Mike also writes: " ...God's grace is so outside the lines of our understanding that we can only stand in awe and wonder. Christianity is not about learning how to live w/in the lines; christianity is about the joy of coloring. The grace of God sees beyond the scribbling to the heart of the scribbler..."

Just as I have "scribbled" about in some of my previous blogs, most of everything I have been taught has been about "coloring inside the lines." I as a youth pastor for 10 yrs taught my teens about the importance of coloring inside those lines. Does that mean God has no standards? Absolutely not! But what is more important, the "law" (the rules/standards) or the person? Isn't that why we need grace? Isn't that what grace is all about? God set the standard and we couldn't live up to it. We failed...we sinned. But that is what makes grace...grace. We are more important than the "lines." And, boy, does that bring relief to my heart and mind.

Because in the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It only matters what God thinks. And when it comes time to hand in my "drawing" (what I have done with my life), I'm sure its gonna look a lot more like a young child's coloring page than it will a paint by numbers page that has been done to perfection. And guess what I'm gonna hear? "Well, done my good and faithful servant."

So no matter how many times I screw up, betray people I care about, get stabbed in the back, get fired from jobs, get told I'm "not safe for kids to be around" because something is wrong with me because I'm not married at this age, sin, sin again and again... I will listen for that still, small voice that says, "my grace is enough". And I will keep on coloring.

"Fear" of God

Again, I can't get pasts a few paragraphs in "Dangerous Wonder" by Mike Yaconelli without having to write down of of my thoughts.

This paragraph just lept within my heart as I read it:

"I am beginning to wonder if we modern followers of Christ are capable of being terrified of God. No fear of God. No fear of Jesus. No fear of the Holy Spirit. As a result, we have ended up with a feel-good gospel that attracts thousands...but transforms no one."

I have worked in the UMC for 10 yrs and the paragraph above is a mirror of the so called 'gospel' I experienced week after week of those 10 yrs. I know that statement is very harsh, but I believe with all my heart the majority of those that would read this blog and are a part of the UMC will agree with that statement for the most part. Don't get my wrong, there are pockets of believers w/in the UMC who truly understand the 'awe' and 'fear' of God that Mike mentions, but most I believe fall into the category of the thousands attracted by the "feel-good" gospel but are completely un-transformed by it.

SIDE NOTE: And what is good about a blog...its my thoughts and you can disagree all you want, but this is a free country and I can blog about anything I dang well want to...its my blog!!!!

I look around everyday. I read articles. I personally experience working for minimum wage each week. I watch the news and I see the lack of true trasformation all around me. I see a nation of people, that some 83+% claim to be Christians...followers of Christ...and I see them ignoring the very things that Jesus taught us to do. Example: take the health care crisis this nation faces and/or the poverty levels that our nation faces each and every day. Surveys and statistics tell us that these are 2 of the greatest issues facing our nation. And what is the solution that "the people" (83% are Christians) want? They want the government to fix it.

But what did Jesus tell us / show us to do? Jesus healed the sick, gave food to the hungry, raised the dead to life, etc. Jesus didn't look to the government...the Roman nor the Jewish rulers...to do the job, He worked at it Himself. There were no "qualifications" anyone had to meet. They didn't have to be Jews, or meet this or that standard of living, etc. Anyone that had need, no matter their station in life, He met the need. And Jesus taught his disciples (and not just the 12, but the larger group of 72 that traveled with him) to do the same things.

But what do we do today, we throw money at the problem. We expect the "professionals" (whether that means the politicians, church staff people, government "relief" committees, etc.) to do it for us. "Isn't that what we pay them to do?" We keep people at an arms length. We don't wanna get our hands dirty. But that is completely and totally against everything that Jesus taught us and the early Church lived by.

The UMC is considered a part of the Social Justice part of "The Church" in N. America. The UMC leads the way in so many poverty issues, etc. But what I have found is that more and more or should I say less and less of those "following" Jesus in the UMC are getting their hands dirty. They are throwing their money at the problem and are expecting the professionals (or their youth groups) to handle it. I believe that is why the Central TX Conference Youth in Mission program struggles more and more every year to find adults who will commit a week of their lives to get their hands dirty and make a difference. It's a lot easier to pay their child's way to go on the mission trip, or buy stupid stuff at a fundraiser, because they can say they did their part, but are unwilling to be the hands and feet of Jesus. What kind of example are they setting for their teenagers? Actions speak a lot louder than words Church.

What would Jesus say of us? If I am truly honest, just looking at my own actions, Jesus is probably not happy at all. Should I be afraid? YES! I would be a fool not to be. Jesus is God, Himself, the Creator of the universe. I am a sinner. But I am a sinner saved by Grace. I have been redeemed and given the title of Child of God. And with that comes a huge responsibility. Not because I have to. Not out of obligation. But out of gratitude and love. I want to do it. I want to be different. I have been transformed by Jesus. I am not the same and I never will be the same again.

I guess it comes down to this. I don't have any money to throw at the "problem". All I have are my hands and my heart, and my feet to give and I give them to you Jesus to use as you will.

Jesus,
I'm sick of this feel-good gospel that we teach as 'christianity'. Jesus put your fear back into the heart of those that claim to follow you. Change us. Bring the fear back to your people. Separate those who are truly yours from those that are not. And may those of us who are truly yours stand up and get to work and "show" the world that you are there, that you are real, and that you are still working to heal and feed and comfort those who have need.

Being Loved Unconditionally

It has been a terribly long day. My back aches. My stomach aches. I'm tired, fat, and terribly out of shape. But once again, I find myself unable to ignore the prompting to write.

This time Mike Yaconelli's is again talking about passion. The passionate love of God for us...for me. Even before we are "saved" we here the message that Jesus, that God, loves us unconditionally. It's this kind of love that draws us into this relationship with God that we call Christianity. God loves us UNCONDITIONALLY.

Then what happens, we go to church, and what do we learn: "Yes, God loves you, but His love has conditions:
You must love back.
You must live a life worthy of His love.
You must respond to His love with responsible, normal behavior.
The Message was mixed. God loves me unconditionally... Yet as His child I had to live up to what others claimed were God's standards." (p. 98)

Wow...this is absolutely the truth. Think about all the things you have been taught in church. I can't even begin to list all the contradictions I have been taught. I have even heard it said like this: Baptists believe in that 'once saved always saved' stuff cause it gives the the right to go and and live like hell and still get into heaven. And if someone goes out and does stuff like that, they can't truly be a christian. They only 'went thru the motions' or 'it was only an emotional response, they didn't really mean it.'

How dare we judge what has happened in the heart of another. We have no clue. Only God truly knows.

It's only when we truly understand and except God UNCONDITIONAL love for us can we truly live for him. God doesn' want our 'sacrifices of obligation' thinking He will love me more if I go to church every sunday, or read my bible everyday, or pray an hr each morning, or keep a journal, etc., etc. That's not a response to unconditional love...that's obligation...love with strings attached.

That's not the God that I want to know or to serve. I need a God that loves me no matter what I do, no matter how many times I screw up, no matter how many messes I get myself into. That is true unconditional love. That is the Jesus I read about. That is the Jesus that says: "I love you just exactly the way you are, but I love you too much to leave you that way." And gently guides me into a more loving relationship with Him.

Now that is the kind of God I want.

A life of Passion or Going thru thru the Motions

Not but a few minutes ago, I found myself doing some editing on last nights blog, and I remember quite specifically asking myself the question: "why do we all seem to strive for an "easy" life; a life void of troubles and mistakes, etc.?" And then, I pick up my book to read a little more about Mike's thoughts on living a passionate life, when I find myself reading about this exact subject.

What I found is that when we seek an "easy" life, we are actually seeking a life of little or no passion. A life of just going thru the motions. A life as flat as a plateau, no highs, no lows, just flat and dare I say: BORING.

Yes, I life lived w/o passion is just plain boring. So why are we always working so hard to find the easy road? Wasn't it Jesus that said that many will travel the wide (easy) road, and few the narrow (passionate)? Just like when I was young and naive about all the challenges that lay ahead of me, I once again choose the narrow road.

I have found that living my calling; living a life of passion has been far from easy. In truth, it has actually been one heart break after another. But it has also been a life of some of the greatest adventures I could have imagined. Some have described the christian life as this trail of highs and lows, mountain tops and valleys. I agree with that. But I think I like Mike's description, he had mentioned earlier in this book: a rollar coaster...a big one at that, with loop-d-loops, spirals, switch backs, along with all the ups and downs. That has definately been a good description of my life. And even now, as I find myself in a very strange place in my journey, (a place I would not have chosen) I look back on my life, and if I am truly honest, I don't regret. My life has been a life of passion. I live full of the greatest joys and some of the greatest sorrows one can bare. I've lost friends I loved dearly b/c of my passion (most call it bull-headedness). I have friends still that I consider as much family as blood kin. I have laughed till I hurt, cried tears of anquish and of joy. I've moved across country in search of God's voice twice in less than a year. I could go on and on. But one thing I know, I have lived a life of passion and I choose to continue to live a life of passion.

Yes, at this point in my life, I feel like I'm going thru nothing but the emotionless, motions of life, devoid of passion, but I'm confident it can't last forever and I will someday find a place again to express my passion for life and for Jesus and to hopefully show a world that following Jesus and living passionately for Him is worth it all.

Living right or fully?

Here again, I find myself typing when I should be sleeping. But I just can't help myself.

Mike Yaconelli's statement was: "Most people believe that following Jesus is all about living right [bold italics mine]. Not true. Following Jesus is all about living fully."

Mike is writing about passion and what it means to live a passionate life. I could spend hrs writing my thoughts on this one word/thought. My life, and how others have discribed me; is all about passion.

But what I want to comment on, is Mike's statement quoted above. I agree wholeheartedly with his assessment. It has not been until recent years that I finally began to realize this fact. I've been a christian for 20 yrs now. And as I think back over that time, most of what I have been taught is about living "right." Being a "good christian," being perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect, etc., etc.

But wasn't Jesus the one that said "I came to give you an abundant life"? Living life each day and especially christianity is more than following the rules, the do's and don'ts. (Go back to my previous blog on this subject of rules to see some of my other thoughts on that subject.) Following Jesus is about a relationship with the Creator of the universe, not about a list of rules.

I have learned the past few years, as I began tryin NOT to be this perfect...follow all the rules and expectations... good christian; I found myself falling more and more in love with Jesus. I actually began to relax. I wasn't worried that I didn't study or read my Bible all the time. I found myself trying to understand and relate to "non-christians". I began to look at the world more thru their eyes and even experience and do things that most christians would be totally offended at. But wasn't that what Jesus did? He lived with the "sinners", ate with them, touched the un-touchables, etc. Jesus understood the culture in which He lived. And I want to understand more about the culture I live in, instead of burying myself inside the "christian sub-culture."

And where did this whole idea of "good" christian come into play anyway. My Bible says nothing about good christians or bad christians. You are either one or the other. You are either a follower of Jesus or you aren't. Jesus doesn't make those kind of distinctions, so why should we? It's kinda like those levels of sin the church has. Little white lies are down on the bottom of the scale of "bad" sins. Then on up a little, is gossip or stealing. On up a little more is divorce. And of course up there near the top of the worst sins (some have even labeled the unforgivable sns is; Oh dare I say it...homosexuality. Well, my Bible says God sees sin as sin. There are no levels of sin in God's eyes. It's either sin or righteousness. I wonder what would happen if we started seeing people as Jesus does? Seeing sin as Jesus does. I think we really have a worped sense of right and wrong, good and bad.

Ok, ok, I know, I am way off topic. Told you I was passionate. But are you getting my point yet?

I guess my whole point was to emphasize the difference in tryin to live "right" vs living "fully." If its up to me, now that I'm a little older and wiser, I think I would much rather live "fully" (even if it means I mess up more and find myself in more messes that Jesus has to come rescue me from) than to try to live "right" all the time. When I was tryin to live "right" I always felt comdemned and worried that I was not living up to someone elses expectations or following all the rules that told me I was a "good" christian.

What is more important to you, right or full?